Less Blame, More Grace

After a series of conversations with close friends and a couple sessions with my counselor, I'm understanding how much I have truly suffered by blaming my parents for the choices I have made as a parent. The moments where my self-control was lacking and I yelled too loud, said the hurtful words, or used physical discipline when angry. Way too many times, after apologizing to my family, I'd say to myself or even Danny, "I would be so different if they had just done better."

In that season of intense struggle and refusal to accept responsibility for my choices, I wasn't inviting God to change my heart. By placing blame, I was allowing myself to stay stuck in my struggle. Honestly, during that season, remaining in my sin was the easiest thing to do. Facing past wounds and taking responsibility for the way I was treating my family was too much work on my part. Deep down I knew I couldn't do it in my own strength. I wasn't ready to release control to the Lord because I knew He would do the hard work I was afraid of.

I'm ready now.
The change has taken place in lots of ways. I've practiced apologizing to my family more and blaming my parents less. I have done two months of counseling and plan to continue for a while. I have started sharing about my struggles in a more honest way instead of bottling them up. My hands are slowly opening and letting go.

I am finally starting to grasp the reality that my upbringing did not make me who I am because I am not an angry, anxious person. I am a child of God who makes mistakes or believes lies from the Enemy like every other human being on this planet, traumatic upbringing or not. The issue isn't who I was raised by. It is absolutely the bigger issue of brokenness in our world. Without the saving grace of Jesus, my parents knew no other options. Without a legacy of love before them, they just did what they knew best. Without a morally sound community surrounding them, they continued to live in a lifestyle that brought much destruction to our young family.

Hurt people hurt people.

I began to learn a better way when I met Jesus at 13 years old. Ever since since then, he has been revealing the depth of his grace. The Lord has surrounded me with family and friends that point me to abundant life daily. Danny and I are starting a new generation in our family, one that understands the value in a legacy of Jesus love. Nearly fifteen years later, I am finally beginning to shed the bitterness and anger that I have had towards my parents. I refuse to blame them for the poor choices I have made as a follower of Christ. Second Corinthians 5:17 tells me that I am a new creation in Christ! I claim that over my life as I pursue him deeper. And now more than ever, I pray boldly that God would interrupt the lives of my extended family and draw them closer to himself.

There's another aspect I love about about quitting the blame game. Doing so releases me to be more in control of myself through the workings of the Holy Spirit. If I'm not stuck in the past then I'm allowing God to move me forward, growing me in ways that I was never able when controlled by bitterness and anger. I gave control to my Good, Good Father when I began to understand more of who I am in his eyes. In all of this, he has been faithful to teach me gently about the fruits of his Spirit and I feel a shift.

 "For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' But if you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another.

But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.

If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another." 
Galatians 5:13-26

Healing people hurt people less. 

Healed people love people well.


  1. I love this, and I love your heart! It's really encouraging to hear from you as you grow, Shelia. I admire your transparency and desire to honor God and point your story back to him. Keep up the hard and good and rewarding work. Big hugs xx

    1. Thank you for your kind words, sweet friend!! Hugs to you, too. ;)