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8.16.2013

I Wasn't Meant To Live This Way

Sometimes, God speaks so boldly through resources around me that I can't deny for one second that it's Him. Between three different devotionals, a parenting book that I'm reading, and the verse of the day on my Bible app, it was clear to me this morning that God wanted me to hear these two scriptures:

"We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world. Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. We love each other because he loved us first."
1 John 4:16-19

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline."
2 Timothy 1:7

All of the things I read, completely separate from each other, were saying the exact same thing. As I told Danny, "I wanted to shout, 'Ok Lord!! I hear You!'"

I shared in my last post that I've had some major anxiety in the last couple months. I've always been a worry wart. I'm a control freak so when things aren't going as I have planned, I worry. I freak out. I feel afraid. All of those things have felt normal to me in the past. But what I first started experiencing almost two months ago in regards to the anxiety was just awful. I never felt physically weighed down in the past like I had in those few days of panic. Thankfully, I have felt a lot better lately. I've been realizing that so much of my life is lived in fear. Some fears are super dumb; some of them are rooted in very real, damaging experiences. Honestly, each fear could be a blog post in and of itself.

I'm afraid that Danny is going to lose his job. I'm afraid that we won't have enough money. I'm afraid that Amelia is going to hurt Elsie. I'm afraid that we'll never find a house. I'm afraid that I'm going to be an angry mom. I'm afraid that my children won't see Jesus in me. I'm afraid that I'll always be a bitter person. On and on it goes. 

Living in such strong fear and anxiety has stolen so much joy from my life. This fear dominates my actions every day. The compulsive checking of our bank account. The staring at Quicken, trying to make something different in the numbers so that the budget works out better. The constant running back and forth between rooms because I don't want Amelia to be alone with Elsie for two seconds. The looking at smaller, simpler homes for sale because I'm ready to just settle on mediocre. The yelling at Amelia because she isn't doing all the things that I want her to. The blaming of others for my mistakes, like they're the reason I'm this way.

I've known for a while that there's so much fear that I need to break free from. Today, the Lord showed me why I need to. He also showed me how. Heart change takes time and I know it hurts. 

Here goes.