I have been a mama to two for just over three months now. I knew it was going to be harder than just one but I had no idea how hard. I must have been in a blissful fog for the first three months of Elsie's life because a couple weeks ago, this weight settled on me and I kind of lost it.
Our day had started at five in the morning. We were all tired and Danny was getting ready for work. I sat on the couch feeling paralyzed as I thought about him leaving for work. I didn't want to do the day alone. But there was no other option. The very thought of that brought me to tears. Our day went on, Danny left for work, Amelia napped. After her waking up, it was all downhill. There was too much television, tears from everyone, and a certain toddler biting a certain baby. Twice. Dinner was simple so I didn't lose my mind. I got the kids ready for bed. Then the three of us laid on my bed while I just cried a lot and for a long time. It was like all the overwhelming and tired moments of the last few months had caught up to me. And I just broke. Danny got home from work much later that evening. There were more tears, uncontrollable sobbing, and me locking myself in the bathroom because... I don't even know why. Danny and I didn't really talk that night. But we talked the next morning. We agreed that there are many things that need to change so that I don't have a moment like that again. The unfortunate thing is that so much of what is overwhelming me can't be changed... it's going to be more about me giving up control and letting God do what He does best.
I haven't really talked to many people about that day and the overwhelming anxiety I felt because what do I say? I felt so out of control and weak. And that is somewhat embarrassing to me. I feel like I should be able to handle this life of ours better. But why should I? It's not like I've ever done this before. The pressure is unreal! Thankfully, I know that God sees me in all this. There was proof the next day and the days to follow...
I had been planning to have some friends over that morning. I had been texting Linda the night before, in the middle of my sobbing, asking for prayer. She asked if it would be better for us to cancel the morning. In that moment I knew that the there was nothing better for me than to be in fellowship with some of my dearest friends. So she came over earlier, before Jessie and Lindsey got there, to start coffee and help me with chores. As the day went on, I knew that God had orchestrated every moment for me and for the purpose of filling me up.
A few days later, I arrived home from a play date to a package on our door step from Anna. It was pack of M&Ms with phrases stating how awesome I was and that I was a super mom and that I was blessed. You know I ate those up. Literally and figuratively!
Just yesterday, Kyle and Lindsey watched the girls for a couple hours while I went shopping by myself. It's not like they're busy with their own three kiddos.
This whole mom thing is tough. And I can't do it alone. Even though I try to... it's just impossible. So there's people who have gone before me on this motherhood journey who come beside me with a loving arm around the shoulder and say, "I've been there. You can do this." And there's friends who haven't been there yet but are so loving in the way they give me a helping hand or a kind word. I love being Amelia and Elsie's mama. I wouldn't want to do anything else with my life right now. But I truly understand why everyone says it takes a village to raise children. I see it in my life and I'm thankful for my village.