The Season of Unbalanced & Messy

Do you ever just know when you're in of those seasons? Where life just feels unbalanced and messy? That's kind of where I've been for a few months. I think it's safe to say it all started when we found out I was pregnant with our second kiddo. Don't get me wrong, I was super excited to be pregnant. But as my first trimester progressed, I began to have terrible bouts of nausea. We also moved from the apartment we had lived in for three and a half years into the basement of our friends home. Talk about a lot of change in a month, right?

But even with those two huge changes, I expected that I would continue on with life as it was. There were a few ideas and passions that my heart was tied up in. I continued to plan and get excited about them until it slowly started to set in that life was definitely changing.

The biggest change was my involvement with our church's youth ministry, specifically the high school youth group. When you've spent three years investing into a group of awesome people {leaders and students alike}, there's a piece of your heart that they just get to have. But seriously, it took every square inch of my physical being to go to the kick off night back in September. I had been so sick with nausea and vomiting for a few weeks at that point. I had little energy but I was so happy to be there. A couple weeks after that, I could barely get up from the couch to take care of Amelia, let alone be lively enough for a group of high school students.

Each week I would send Jason, our youth pastor, a text saying I couldn't make it. As you can imagine, the weeks went by and I began to feel so disconnected. The group still held a special part of my heart but it was evident that my role as a youth leader was slowly slipping from me. The group had been meeting for several weeks already once I started to feel better physically. There were new students I didn't know. There had been lots of relational growth that I wasn't part of. It just felt awkward when I thought about going back. And so I didn't.

There have been parts of me that are completely content with this change. I see the way some of my best friends are growing as leaders in our church. I see the relationships being built between students and leaders as discipleship is done well. I see a group that started out small and basement dwelling turning into a large group of passionate high school students that can barely fit into our church's multi-purpose room. It's all from the "side-lines" so to speak but I see all this awesome-ness happening and it fills my heart with joy! Not to mention what the change means for us at home. My schedule has been mostly wide open and free of any major commitments. No weekend retreats, no event planning, no girls nights hosting, no camps, minimal coffee dates with girls {mind you, all these things I LOVED!!}. This time that I have had with Amelia has been so sweet. Especially as the months pass by and I realize we will soon have two precious girls to love on. I've been able to rest my very tired body. I've been able to finally wrap my mind around having another baby. I have time to clean! There's been time to just BE at home.

And then enters the part of me that feels not-so-content with this change. It was hard to switch gears as quickly as I had to. For the last few months, there have been weak moments where instead of choosing joy over all the awesome things God is doing in our youth group and our youth leaders, I choose frustration and bitterness. Instead of choosing to love the normal moments at home, I choose jealousy. I had to say no to so much that I wasn't quite ready to say no to at the time. But I knew I had to. I knew it was for the best.

I know I've said this before in a few brief status updates and tweets over the last few months. But I just needed to put it out there like this, the bigger picture. This season has been really hard for me. There's so much about serving in youth ministry that I miss with all my heart. {And trust me, I still go to the Facebook page for the youth group and the youth leaders, just to see what's new. Just to feel at least somewhat in-the-loop.} But in the very same heart that misses all of that, there is also contentment. There is a realization that God is still using me and growing me. Even if it's just at home {as the lies tell me}. Because right now, this is the best place for me. With the unbalanced messiness of it all, I'm learning to embrace this season. It's actually not a bad one.

Have you been in one of those seasons? Are you in it now? The type of season where it hurts but it's so good because you know God is still there, growing you through it all. Think on this:

"Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you’re on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute! Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life."
Philippians 4:4-7, The Message {italics mine}

1 comment:

  1. Oh yes, I went through a lot of those same emotions and struggles when my time in youth ministry ended. Different reasons but same process. I want to get into a groove and stay there forever.